While You Were Sleeping

"I was born for the storm and a calm does not suit me." - Andrew Jackson 

WARNING... this might just be a meaningless rant!

Just Another Day

Friday morning the world woke up to another day.  It was just another day as people went about their normal routines.  But while you were sleeping, it had been anything but normal.  

After about 3 hours of sleep, I was sitting in an Arby's in North Ogden having lunch with one of my daughters.  I sat with my back to the wall, scanning the people inside the restaurant and each new face that entered.  I watched people come and go through the drive-thru lane.  I remembered a scene from the movie "American Sniper" when Chris Kyle was angry because there was a war going on and no one seemed to notice or care.  I felt the same way.

Earlier that morning, shortly before 3am, while people slept safely in their beds, the silence was pierced by a frantic call over my radio, "Weber, SHOTS FIRED... Sgt Kotters been hit... Don't know where the suspect is.  I need a perimeter... Get medical"  It was a tone of voice I'd never heard before and it was chilling.

I know Sgt Kotter.  He taught my radar class at the police academy.  He lives in my little town.  One time on his way home, I had a car pulled over late at night along the freeway and he stopped just to make sure I was OK.  Now he had been shot.  

I was about 20 miles away from where this was happening... and it was about 15 miles outside of my county.  But I have a fast car, loaded with guns, ammo and body armor.

I was the only one on duty in the 600 square mile county where I work.  Would I get in trouble if I went to help?  What if something happened here and I was down there....

I started driving towards the chaos I could hear coming through the radio.  My mind continued to question and then I decided I'd rather stand before the Sheriff and explain why I had left the county to help hunt down a cop shooter than live with myself having not gone.

I noticed my vehicle kept increasing speed as I flew down the freeway.  I had to consciously slow down a couple of times when I realized exactly how fast I was going.  The calls for help still came across the radio.

I made it to the bottom of the canyon and heard the officers on-scene announce the suspect was dead.  I pulled into the median between the freeways and just sat there.  I saw the ambulance, with Sgt Kotter inside, heading north towards the hospital with a patrol vehicle in close pursuit.

Later I would learn that Sgt Kotter had been shot simply because he was a cop.  He hadn't pulled the suspect over.  He wasn't taking the suspect to jail.  A main road was closed for construction and he was there for traffic control.  A car pulled up to him and he got out to tell the guy to turn around.  As Sgt Kotter turned around to walk back to his own vehicle, the dirtbag shot him multiple times in the back.  Sgt Kotter pulled his own weapon and returned fire.  That's awesome!  Sgt Kotter survived... that's even more awesome.

Later in the day I would learn that a Sheriff's Deputy in Texas had not survived a similar incident.  He was just getting gas and a guy walked up behind him and shot him... and after the Deputy fell to the ground, the guy shot him again to ensure his death.

Am I afraid?

A lot of people have asked me over the years if I'm afraid to do this job.  No, I'm not afraid.  If I was, do you think I could go out every night and do it again and again.  I'm not afraid of death.  My faith tells me what to expect and I believe it.  I believe my spirit cannot die.  I believe I will receive a glorified, resurrected body because of Jesus Christ.  I believe death is only a temporary separation from my family and loved ones.  No, I am not afraid.

I've come to see that I'm different than most people.  No better... and hopefully no worse, but I don't experience fear like most people.  In fact it seems to focus me and I just do what needs to be done.  There is just that moment.  No past.  No future.  Just the present.  The real me just takes over.  The real me that most people never meet because I keep him hidden away so they aren't afraid of him.  But in times of crisis, I've learned to let him out and it feels so liberating.

 Later I will think of all the things that could have happened or might have happened, but in the moment the real me is unleashed.

But I do have my fears.... I am afraid of not being there when someone needs me.  I am afraid of not getting there fast enough to make a difference.

Why do we do it?

As the sun went down last night, and most people went to bed, I was going back to work.  I spent some time talking with a couple of the guys who had been on the scene the night before.  The conversation made its way around to "why do we do this".  We talked about our children and wives.  We talked about long hours and low pay.  We questioned everything.

Today I was talking to a friend who is a cop in the county next to me.  He told me, "I know that my life means nothing to society.  They really don't care if we die."

I don't know why we do it.  I'm not really sure why I do it but I can't seem to do anything else.  I tried, but can't seem to get out of it.  I left the military and tried for years to be a regular guy.  I have created two successful businesses... and then ran them into the dirt (for a number of reasons) but mainly because it just became so boring after the start-up phase.  This is the only thing I can do... and now my wife works and I have a part-time job and still can't pay the bills.  My cars are all breaking down and my kids just went back to school wearing the same clothes as last year.

I don't know why we do it.  There are slick slogans and things we tell ourselves, but I don't know if we really believe them.  Why am I the way I am?  

The Warrior's Curse

Sometimes I've wondered if I'm cursed.  Did I commit some grave sin in the pre-mortal world? 

Steven Pressfield wrote, "We are warriors. Our trade stands a handbreadth from that of the murderer and the assassin. Perhaps in another lifetime, you and I have committed grave crimes. This life now may be our purgatory. How do I absolve myself of those transgressions, which I cannot even remember? By sacrificing my ego, my greed, my fear, my hesitation, and my selfishness on the 'altar of strife'.

How do I perform this rite? By striding into harm’s way for no cause, no dream, no crusade, but only for the striding itself and for the comrades at my side."

I do it just for the sake of doing it.  I do it rather anyone cares or not.  I don't know if it matters or if I make any difference, I just do it because it's who I am.  

While You Were Sleeping

I guess I want to believe that what we do makes a difference.  I want to believe it matters.  So if it does matter... if it does make a difference... before you go to sleep tonight, please say a prayer for the men and women who protect society and for their families who will sleep alone so people can awake to just another normal day.